Sex injuries


The other day, I was masturbating with a new toy (the Rabbit– awesome!) and when I stood up, I managed to walk sideways into my door frame out of sheer post-orgasmic inability to function. I bruised the hell out of my head, right above my ear. It’s where the muscle that controls your jaw is covered in hair. Now, whenever I chew, it hurts. Some might say it’s god’s divine punishment for sinfully pleasuring myself.

Whatever sex is or isn’t, acting as though sex isn’t something super hilarious and kind of baffling is a bit short-sighted. (I mean, why the fuck do we care so much about sex to the point of full-blown hysteria?) We’re all had sex injuries. Like the time I asked my then-regular partner to cum on my face (yes, I asked him; yes, I liked the submissive aspects of it; no, I’m not still into it) and he managed to get ejaculate in my fucking eye. That shit burns. For hours.

What’s your best sex injury story? Did you break the bed, the penis, or the lamp?


6 Responses to “Sex injuries”

  1. I’ve left several, well-defined hard to miss dents in my former apartment’s walls. Current apartment, well, the bed has no headboard and it’s difficult as hell to move the frame so no threat of damage there. I’m fairly certain the lumps in my mattress in my room at the parent’s house is due to many years of masturbation. Oh and remember the black metal futon I have? I’m pretty sure it is creaky these days due to me and Jerkass (formerly The Professor).

  2. 3 Amber Rhea

    I’d have to say it’s a toss-up…

    I once became convinced I had broken my coccyx. I went to the doctor’s office for an X-Ray and everything. Yes, I told them it was from rough sex. I figured, as doctors, they hear everything. They still gave me weird looks.

    Also, when Rusty and I were first hooking up (before we were dating) we fucked on the living room floor of my old apartment, which had carpet, and I got a bad case of carpet burn all over my back. He was such a gentleman though, he busted out the stain remover and scrubbed all the blood out of the carpet. I made a witty comment about loving to see a man on all fours on my living room floor.

    And I have also experienced the cum-in-eye fiasco. At that moment I realized there were advantages to leaving my glasses ON during sex.

  3. 5 Amber Rhea

    Oh! And I can’t believe I almost forgot to mention this one! Back when Rusty had moved into a new apartment in 2006, on his second night there (the first night I slept over), his next-door neighbor called in a noise complaint to the management.

  4. Also got it in the eye… owwww.

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