I watched The X-Files growing up, even though I wasn’t allowed. It was one of the only cult television shows, until recently, that I really followed closely. I was much younger then. In middle school. During my “I’m going to read everything on black holes and pretend I understand it” phase. (I think I did, in part. I think I’ve just gotten dumber as I’ve gotten older.)

Then puberty and all the fucked up stuff that happens typically in middle school and high school, and to me in particular. The kind of stuff I used to be rabid about became shameful to me. I’d mention things about fantasy or science fiction or television shows in passing, as a joke, or as street cred. But I was afraid to indulge.

I’ve never been afraid of being nerdy. I’m a smart person. I love to read and think and talk and argue. Getting good grades and being generally nerdy and intellectual was never the problem. I think it was always more the geekery that I shied away from.

Recently, I’ve had to stop and reassess my feelings toward geekery. I’ve always had some fondness for the truly geeky, the dress up and go to ComicCon kind of geekery. But a distant fondness.

The first time I watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer I will tell you exactly what I was thinking: fucking seriously? this shit is going to be silly. And now I have debates with people on the internet about whether Topher is more like Xander or Warren. Under my culturally groomed facade of disdain, I admired people who loved these kinds of geeky delights. I still do. And I’m learning to get in touch with my inner geek again. (I’d love to do a whores only viewing of Dollhouse.)

I think it harkens back to one of the most terrifying periods of my life. (There have been Three Great Epochs of Terror in the Life of Jane.) I was very young, pre-pubescent, verging on it. I wrote a lot. Lots of worthless shit. Not good. But it was more of a way for me to construct an elaborate fantasy life to escape my unpleasant reality. That kind of fantasy seeping into all aspects, inability to distinguish reality, that was terrifying. I would be afraid to be that kind of geek again.

But I now see the geeky kind of passion and devotion for cult television shows, books, movies, whatever else, not as something to be associated with a character flaw in order to protect myself, but as something to almost envy. People should have things that they love passionately and that make them happy. And my god, if it’s going to be Battlestar Galactica, then rock the fuck on.

(And you thought I only think about whoring.)


2 Responses to “Geekery.”

  1. “And my god, if it’s going to be Battlestar Galactica, then rock the fuck on.”

    You were thinking about me when you wrote that line, right? 🙂 I still need to post my feelings on the series finale, which is still a mindfrak for me.

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