Too Serious.

13Apr09

I have been taking things Too Seriously. The only place I don’t is in my work. I am not one of those posturing kind of professional dominants. I just love to play. Getting paid for it makes me so happy.

It’s everything else. I think, as an activist, as someone who takes seriously the matrices of domination present in everyday life, everything is just so goddamned serious all the time. A lot of shit has gone down recently for sex workers and continues to go down as we’re scapegoatted endlessly for everyone else’s agenda. We have to fight tooth and nail just to be able to have a voice, let alone be listened to. Everything we say has to go through a great deal of privilege-awareness and anti-opression internal screening.

Every time I open my mouth or post on a blog, I wonder how I’m being oppressed, who I’m privileging and oppressing with my words. I wonder who would have my ass if I got outed for whatever fifty things I could be outed for. I do a lot of self-surveillance because I want to talk about the things I care about.

Plus, I just filed my taxes. In no small part due to my anxiety (which is fixated on money, often), I have been having waking nightmares. My car is making this odd rattling noise. It’s rusting. My car isn’t green enough. It gets twenty miles to the gallon. It’s old. I should walk more.

My life is filled with a lot of Deep Thinking on Serious Topics. What it amounts to is that I take myself too seriously. What do I ever think about? I think about how my history as a person battling mental illness puts me in a place of oppression. I think about how so few other people in the world have seen the inside of a locked ward.

And it’s just so fucking ridiculous. I take myself too seriously, it seems, to the point where I am frequently so crippled by self-doubt that I take up as little (metaphorical and physical) space as possible. And to what end? What is the fucking point of that?

Maybe I should have more sex. Maybe I’ve been topping too long and need to have some nice, dirty bottom fun with someone I trust.

I’m declaring today Quit Talking it all So Fucking Seriously Day. At least for myself.

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